Happy All Hallows' Eve everyone. Yeah it’s me again. Old GW couldn’t resist blogging about the stupidest holiday known to mankind. (Yeah that’s right I called myself GW. I figure if we are now so casual that we call erectile dysfunction ED, I should be able to start calling myself GW).
Let’s get down to business. Why does everyone make such a big deal out of today? I pretend to be something I am not every day when I go to work. The difference is I don’t have to wear a costume to do it. But some adults still feel obligated to dress up like a pumpkin, a character from the wizard of Oz, or Captain Jack Sparrow. There is only one captain Jack and I don’t want some 300 pound man swashbuckling his way around the office thinking he is a pirate.
I realize that my ideas shouldn’t be impressed upon everyone, and I am fine with kids trick or treating, but please be aware of the rules and regulations should you or your children decide to knock on my door tonight.
1. Trick or Treat was designed to be a question not a statement. There will be times throughout the night that I will opt not to provide a treat and will request that a trick be played on me.
2. Do not ring the door bell more than once. You will be lucky if I even come to the door. I fully realize that your children are trying to collect more free items than the Louisianans did from FEMA, but I am not going to sprint to the door to hand out candy that I bought with my hard earned money.
3. Do not bring by your babies to trick or treat at my house. The last time I checked I was fresh out of similac and breast milk. Plus a baby dressed up as a vegetable is not that funny……anymore.
4. Make an effort on your costume. Don’t just cut a couple of holes in a sheet and pretend you are a ghost. I am not scared by that, and you look more like a member of the KKK than you do a ghost. If you want free stuff from me, impress me. FYI…. the transformers were not made out of a cardboard box. If you try to sneak by with a homemade costume, you are going to get a money mailer coupon to have your carpets steam cleaned. Better yet, maybe a discount on teeth whitening coupon from Dr Boyden. (By the way Jimmy Chunga I don’t give a rat’s ass that he is your family dentist. Stop talking about him on the radio as if you are endorsing him for free. He is paying you to say how great he is.)
5. If you are over 12 don’t even think about knocking on my door. If you do, you will get a bouillon cube to make gravy. If you are old enough to be forced to use the communal shower in P.E. Class, you probably already realize that the world is cruel and not fair. Thus you shouldn’t be sad when you get something to contribute to Sunday dinner.
6. Don’t do the trick or treat smell my feet line. That’s disgusting. I don’t say “here’s a tootsie roll, now smell my hole”.
Anyway good luck out there tonight. Watch out for the razor blades in apples and drugs in the candy. (Like a crack addict would ever share with kids). I hope you remember the true reason for the season and take a moment to reflect on the fact that Rob Van Winkle (AKA Vanilla Ice) turns 39 today.
Now where did I put my mascara and eyeliner so I can put the finishing touches on my Capn Jack costume?
Let’s get down to business. Why does everyone make such a big deal out of today? I pretend to be something I am not every day when I go to work. The difference is I don’t have to wear a costume to do it. But some adults still feel obligated to dress up like a pumpkin, a character from the wizard of Oz, or Captain Jack Sparrow. There is only one captain Jack and I don’t want some 300 pound man swashbuckling his way around the office thinking he is a pirate.
I realize that my ideas shouldn’t be impressed upon everyone, and I am fine with kids trick or treating, but please be aware of the rules and regulations should you or your children decide to knock on my door tonight.
1. Trick or Treat was designed to be a question not a statement. There will be times throughout the night that I will opt not to provide a treat and will request that a trick be played on me.
2. Do not ring the door bell more than once. You will be lucky if I even come to the door. I fully realize that your children are trying to collect more free items than the Louisianans did from FEMA, but I am not going to sprint to the door to hand out candy that I bought with my hard earned money.
3. Do not bring by your babies to trick or treat at my house. The last time I checked I was fresh out of similac and breast milk. Plus a baby dressed up as a vegetable is not that funny……anymore.
4. Make an effort on your costume. Don’t just cut a couple of holes in a sheet and pretend you are a ghost. I am not scared by that, and you look more like a member of the KKK than you do a ghost. If you want free stuff from me, impress me. FYI…. the transformers were not made out of a cardboard box. If you try to sneak by with a homemade costume, you are going to get a money mailer coupon to have your carpets steam cleaned. Better yet, maybe a discount on teeth whitening coupon from Dr Boyden. (By the way Jimmy Chunga I don’t give a rat’s ass that he is your family dentist. Stop talking about him on the radio as if you are endorsing him for free. He is paying you to say how great he is.)
5. If you are over 12 don’t even think about knocking on my door. If you do, you will get a bouillon cube to make gravy. If you are old enough to be forced to use the communal shower in P.E. Class, you probably already realize that the world is cruel and not fair. Thus you shouldn’t be sad when you get something to contribute to Sunday dinner.
6. Don’t do the trick or treat smell my feet line. That’s disgusting. I don’t say “here’s a tootsie roll, now smell my hole”.
Anyway good luck out there tonight. Watch out for the razor blades in apples and drugs in the candy. (Like a crack addict would ever share with kids). I hope you remember the true reason for the season and take a moment to reflect on the fact that Rob Van Winkle (AKA Vanilla Ice) turns 39 today.
Now where did I put my mascara and eyeliner so I can put the finishing touches on my Capn Jack costume?
1 comment:
Dear GW - you are funny and should start your own blog so your co-workers can stalk you. I think the facial hair you sported was a great costume. :)
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