It's called the vending machine taunt and I hate it. It's not hard to explain because I'm sure at least 75% of the population has suffered it's wrath; the other 25% of you are eating Paleo or Jenny Craig or something similar so I'm not sure why you're on my blog in the first place. Anyway, I digress. . .
Sometimes I just want a treat from the vending machine. You can call it gross and that's fine. But sometimes I get desperate and those Pop Tarts don't actually look that bad compared to the alternative. . . a gut-wrenching nothing! Thank heaven that our work vending machine has a steady supply of Pop Tarts. . . or does it? See, that's the issue. I never know. So in my mind I've built up this processed-brown-sugar-and-cinnamon obsession only to get upstairs (which is WAY more of a hike now than ever) only to find that the regular Pop Tarts have been temporarily replaced with some other (and might I add NOT CLOSE) substitute like, I don't know, fruit snacks. Dear Vending Machine Guy: just because the package is roughly the same size, fruit snacks are not a suitable substitute for Pop Tarts! One is a baked good (sort of) for crying out loud! There is nothing even remotely "bready" about fruit snacks. What are you thinking?
The only other vending machine tragedy that is equally offensive is what I like to call Flavor Alternating. Once again, we go back to the Cinnamon and Brown Sugar scenario. Still climbing the vicious flight of stairs, I see that blue Pop Tart package as I reach the summit. But what is this? It's not Brown Sugar Goodness - it's Strawberry! I could (at this point) settle for the fruit-filled pastry if it was all there was but noooo. There, immediately behind the Strawberry concoction, is my real craving - Brown Sugar and Cinnamon - followed by another Strawberry and another Brown Sugar. . . you get the point. It's taunting me and I don't appreciate it. I, again, have come to a crossroads. Do I want the Brown Sugar bad enough to buy a pack of Strawberry as well and save it for a later date? Sidenote: please keep in mind that this would require another trip down said stairs to try and dig out more nickels from my desk drawer since the first round nearly left me bone dry to start with. Do I make camp next to the vending machine and try to coerce the next patron who likely won't buy anything with me standing there because vending machine food is "gross" to purchase the in-the-way Strawberry pastry? Or do I settle and pray that sheer vending machine embarrassment, though it haunts me currently, will allow me access to the better part tomorrow since nobody eats this stuff anyway.
The point is this, bad vending machine loader man:
First, don't replace the steadfast. If you come and all of the (insert candy of choice) here are gone, it's probably because that's what people eat so don't replace it with fruit snacks; no, it's not the same. No. It's not. Stop buying the Bit-O-Crappy candy bars that still occupy a full slot in the machine and only buy the good stuff.
Second, don't alternate flavors. There are very distinct audiences for these types of food. Regular M&M people aren't the same as Peanut Butter who aren't the same as Pretzel. You can't ask them to cross over. You are messing with nature. 'Tis better that you just don't HAVE one option than alternate options in a line in the machine. That's just cruel.
The only time either of these replacements are acceptable is if there is CLEARLY a better alternative. Food is really subjective so this is hard to prove. You may (in my book) only do some sort of vending machine replacement if you are a) replacing my flavor-changing-agony with a $5 bill or b) replacing it with a breakfast burrito that is fresh and warm. No exceptions.
I know most of you are thinking that I can put a stop to this charade by just not eating out of the vending machine or by bringing my own delicious snacks to my desk. You're probably right. But I'm also not likely to win 'pregnant lady of the month' at anytime soon and I'm coping with both realities.
PS - if your husband or brother or nephew loads vending machines for a living, please don't send me a PDF on 'Vending Machine Etiquitte' and why they do what they do. I'm sure there are reasons. . . they are just impossible to explain to my taste buds.
