'Tis the Season. . . to be a HYPOCRITE!

Hey everyone and welcome to the holiday season. . . one to surely be filled with glad tidings of great joy! I love the holiday season and everything that it stands for - the lights, the trees, the sweets, the people and even the music! FM 100 has been playing Christmas music for one month already - can you believe that? Anyway, hearing the Christmas tunes made me think of my year-over-year Christmas rant that gets me into trouble at least once during the holiday season. So what do I decide to do but publish it so I can take the tongue lashings in public! Really, it's so everyone knows how I feel about this gem of a topic. . . so here it goes:

You know what bugs me? Hypocrites. I would rather deal with my cube neighbor not showering (that isn't true, by the way. . . I'm just saying I'd rather, so you get the point) than dealing with a hypocrite. I HATE the saying "Do as I say, not as I do." which I heard all of the time growing up. I'm for sure more of a "Practice what you preach." type of girl because I like to think that's how I am. . . I try to be anyway.

It's sad that the one time of year that hypocrisy drives me up the wall is Christmas because really, I'd just like to enjoy my holiday in peace; and maybe I can start doing that once this is out in the open and recorded as a 'things I hate'. This blatant type of hypocrisy involves nothing other than good old Christmas music itself. Here comes the thesis of this rant: I do not agree with non-Christians making a pretty penny on a Christmas album. They don't believe what they are singing. They don't even believe in Christmas. Don't become a sell-out by doing a version of Silent Night and selling it to the masses. It's lame, it's hypocritical and it sucks. There was no 'holy night' that you are aware of. There was no 'holy infant' for you to ponder on. Don't sing about it. Don't record it. I don't even think you should be singing about Santa Claus because the whole premise of Christmas coming to pass is based on Jesus Christ and his holy birth. I don't sing about Kwanzaa! Why? No it's not because a) I don't sing OR b) I don't even know what Kwanzaa is. . . so you put those thoughts to bed right now! I don't sing about it because I don't believe in it. It's the same reason I don't write/sing sings about Hanukkah, soggy bread, sex before marriage, cinnamon or Miracle Whip - I just don't believe in them.

The two biggest violators of this little rule of mine could be considered two of the most talented musical artists of all time - to that, I don't scoff. I do, however, scoff at the fact that you ditched your religious beliefs in order to make a buck. Neil Diamond and Barbara Streisand, come on down. You're the next contestants on Carlee's List-o-Hypocrites! (I purposely did not link to their cds because I'm anti buying them).

Both of these artist have publicly proclaimed their undying faith in Judaism and for that, they have my respect. I love when people believe in something - even if it's not a belief that I share, I respect those that are willing to publicly make a statement about their faith and really, live it to it's fullest. I do not respect the fact that because popular culture allows for the holiday season to be rich is cash flow if you are willing to make a Christmas cd (and I know that EVERYONE has one - the muppets might even have one, who knows), you sold out. Both Neil and Babs sing Silent Night on their cds (although Babs tried to be sly and name it Sleep in Heavenly Peace). Did I miss something? Do I not really know what that song is about? I thought it was about the story in the bible - you know, the one with a baby and shepherds and a manger and a star. . . all of that stuff. Correct me if I'm wrong.

Babs also favors us with O Little Town of Bethlehem and then heavily favors us with songs about Santa and snow. Neil, however, didn't stop at Silent Night. He was kind of enough to favor the masses with God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen, Little Drummer Boy, Hark the Herald Angels Sing and last, but certainly not least, O Holy Night. For me, that last one is a kicker because, personally, it represents all that is Christian about this holiday. . . but let's be real, Silent Night did me in.

My point is not that these people are wrong because they aren't Christians. It has nothing to do with that and if that's what you are getting from this, you didn't read it. My point is that regardless of your beliefs, you should never abandon them for cash - ever. Even if you stand to make a lot of money. . . like say if you were going to release a Christmas album. If you do sell-out, that's what you are - a sell-out. . . and you will then be on my list.

Another afternoon conversation gone bad. . .

After seeing my last post, GW decided to go the rounds again in IM. Prepare yourself. . .

GW: CARLLLLLLLLLLLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
Me: What's up?
GW: Did you by chance see the ram-bone
GW: can't believe I actually axed you that
GW: That made me run out of the BB when I visited for a bachelor party
GW: gift
Me: oh my gosh
Me: I don't even know what to say to you right now
Me: this is a WHOLE new level
GW: Sorry but I still have nightmares
GW: the real reason I am IMing you is to find out about GB
Me: sure. . . GB. . . not the BB?
Me: that place was so sick
Me: GB was a-freaking-mazing
Me: ram-bone?
Me: now THIS may have to be blogged. . .
Me: I can't stop laughing
GW: I can't describe what it was
GW: but I will never go back because of that
Me: hahaha
Me): this is for sure going on the blog - so you better stop telling people that you are the ghost writer!
GW: so I shouldn't tell you about piggly wiggly either then
GW: any who
Me: oh man
GW: back to GB
GW: I wanted to go because I secretly have a man crush on him.

Not a secret anymore!! SO funny. Thanks GW for making my night.

I question your motives!

Today I had an interesting lunch. . . to say the least. I've been invited to a bridal shower this Friday and received instruction not to bring a "nice" gift, if you catch my drift. (And if you don't catch my drift, start singing "Santa Clause is coming to town" to realize what the polar opposite of nice is. . . and THEN catch my drift). Anyway, it's for one of my best buds' fiance's so I'm more than willing to succumb to the request. She's now a good friend, so I have no hesitation about getting a gift that I would never want my mother to know that I bought - until it comes to actually buying the present. . .
I decided to visit one of Utah's shadiest locals ("lo-cal") to obtain my piece-de-resistance for the blushing bride. I say it's one of the shadiest because not only does it sell questionable merchandise, but it's in West Valley and you don't get much shadier than that. Blue Boutique on 35th south, here I come!
I strutted in with all the confidence that I could muster, not wanting to look like the naive mormon nun that I SO am, thinking that a little confidence in my step would make it less awkward. And it did - for about 3 seconds. I HAD NO IDEA!!!! That's all I really have to say about that. In addition, I wasn't even in the "Adult" section? What is this, the kids section? If so, what kind of junior high delinquents are shopping here?
Anyway, I quickly made my way to the area that I was looking for (not that I really even knew what I was looking for, but it was in the back of the store and I felt comfortable with that). BUT, in order to get to the "G" rated section (which still made me blush), I had to pass said "Adult" section with the dirty velvet curtain over the entrance. Unfortunately for the guy inside that section, the curtain was not closed all the way and we made eye contact. You know that face that a little kid gets when he knows he's been caught stealing candy? Well, that was it. That old man looked mortified. . . like I just caught him buying dirty pron! Oh wait, I did. Then I noticed he had on one of those annoying phone earpieces that make it look like you are talking to yourself and I realized that he was on his lunch break just surfing for porn in the nudy store. Here's what I wanted to say:
"Dear Old Guy,
You are old and gross and frankly, should be banned from being within 100 yards of any elementary school. You have your ear piece in, just in case you get a call. Question: What if someone actually calls? Are you going to answer it and let them know where you are at? Just in case the wife calls (who I now have total pity for) and asks you to stop and get some bread on the way home from work? NO! This is embarrassing. You are caught. Sick."
Instead I just looked at him like I was caught stealing candy and scampered off to get my G-rated items.
I know it's a double standard but it's SO different to see women in those places or even young couples because you know it's probably because they just got married or it's for a shower gift or something. Seeing old, creepy men in the "Adult" section creeps me out. He was gross. And really, I don't feel guilty because I, after all, was only in the kids section. . .

Calling Baton Rouge!!!

So, I figured I had better get writing or this was going to turn into the Ghost Writer's blog. . . permanently. Plus, I had a stellar weekend so of course, it's time to write about it!!

Some critics may read this blog and wonder what the big deal is, but I got to do one of the greatest things ever - in fact, something that I've hoped I'd get the chance to do before I died. What could it be? I saw Garth Brooks in concert. Not only did I get to see him in concert, but I had to fly all the way to Kansas City to do so and it was amazing!!! Sidenote: Garth just became the #1 selling artist of all time so mock all you want, you can't argue with that!

We spent the weekend chilling in Kansas City - having some b-b-que and just seeing the sites. Really, it was a time waster until the concert last night at the Sprint Center!! We hot all cowgirled up for the show including everything from buckles to that most authentic hat of mine. Shhh, don't tell anyone that I've actually owned that for years and did NOT buy it just for the occasion.

Anyway, we picked up our Garth SWAG and then hit the concert in style! We snagged ourselves some limited-edition hoodies. . . and by limited-edition, I mean pretty much everyone there bought one. So waht! It rocks.

It was the most amazing show. I think the funniest part was when a crazy, white-trash fan through a bra on the stage and it made Garthy forget the lyrics to one of my favorite songs. Anyway, check out some pics. Don't hate. . . ok, you can a little because it was unbelievable!!

GW - It's about time

Timing is everything. Whether you are looking for a mate, a new job, or an extra breadstick at lunch, timing needs to be on your side.

Today I decided to take advantage of the fact that my life partner, ahem, I mean “lunch” partner decided to go hang out with someone cooler than me. (This is fine, because he doesn’t know that today I added my 5th, and most likely final friend to my facebook page). Anywho at lunchtime I made a mad dash for some sub par Italian food at the Fazoli’s and to get another stamp on my buy ten meals get a drink free card. (It’s a lofty goal but sometimes I need to stretch myself).

Once I arrived I ordered the rigatoni romano, found myself a seat, and waited for the buzzer to beckon that my 6,000 calorie meal was ready for me to ingest. Now I should back up a little. I don’t really like Fazoli’s but the fact is, if you dine in, there are all you can eat breadsticks. SOLD!!! I was willing to risk the possibility of being a loner to receive a couple of extra 1,000 calorie buttery breadsticks.

However, timing was not on my side. Not only did a couple of co workers see me in my state of loneness, but I never receive an extra breadstick. Apparently the mentally handicapped breadstick Nazi will pass you by if you still have the initial breadsticks you received with your meal. Therefore, I quickly snarfed the final stick down and anxiously awaited her next pass through the tables.

To my surprise, she did not make the rounds again. She did however pass by my table with the breadstick tongs as if she was mocking me. I have never felt more like Pavlov’s dog than I did at that moment. While Jimmy Buffets Jingle bells played overhead (Yes it is only Nov 7th ……. again timing) I couldn’t help but think that all I want for Christmas is another Damn breadstick. But no luck! Does she not know I can go to the Olive Garden and have soup and all you can eat breadsticks for less money than I spent here? Do I have to hide my breadstick next time to get another one? Sometimes life just isn’t fair.

I don’t know if this is the case of not, but somehow I believe that the little red ridinghood retarded breadstick Nazi is still walking around the lobby passing out free breadsticks for the rest of her shift. If only I had waited a little longer, or had better timing.

All my Best,

GW

GW: Hallo-what?

Happy All Hallows' Eve everyone. Yeah it’s me again. Old GW couldn’t resist blogging about the stupidest holiday known to mankind. (Yeah that’s right I called myself GW. I figure if we are now so casual that we call erectile dysfunction ED, I should be able to start calling myself GW).

Let’s get down to business. Why does everyone make such a big deal out of today? I pretend to be something I am not every day when I go to work. The difference is I don’t have to wear a costume to do it. But some adults still feel obligated to dress up like a pumpkin, a character from the wizard of Oz, or Captain Jack Sparrow. There is only one captain Jack and I don’t want some 300 pound man swashbuckling his way around the office thinking he is a pirate.

I realize that my ideas shouldn’t be impressed upon everyone, and I am fine with kids trick or treating, but please be aware of the rules and regulations should you or your children decide to knock on my door tonight.

1. Trick or Treat was designed to be a question not a statement. There will be times throughout the night that I will opt not to provide a treat and will request that a trick be played on me.

2. Do not ring the door bell more than once. You will be lucky if I even come to the door. I fully realize that your children are trying to collect more free items than the Louisianans did from FEMA, but I am not going to sprint to the door to hand out candy that I bought with my hard earned money.

3. Do not bring by your babies to trick or treat at my house. The last time I checked I was fresh out of similac and breast milk. Plus a baby dressed up as a vegetable is not that funny……anymore.

4. Make an effort on your costume. Don’t just cut a couple of holes in a sheet and pretend you are a ghost. I am not scared by that, and you look more like a member of the KKK than you do a ghost. If you want free stuff from me, impress me. FYI…. the transformers were not made out of a cardboard box. If you try to sneak by with a homemade costume, you are going to get a money mailer coupon to have your carpets steam cleaned. Better yet, maybe a discount on teeth whitening coupon from Dr Boyden. (By the way Jimmy Chunga I don’t give a rat’s ass that he is your family dentist. Stop talking about him on the radio as if you are endorsing him for free. He is paying you to say how great he is.)

5. If you are over 12 don’t even think about knocking on my door. If you do, you will get a bouillon cube to make gravy. If you are old enough to be forced to use the communal shower in P.E. Class, you probably already realize that the world is cruel and not fair. Thus you shouldn’t be sad when you get something to contribute to Sunday dinner.

6. Don’t do the trick or treat smell my feet line. That’s disgusting. I don’t say “here’s a tootsie roll, now smell my hole”.

Anyway good luck out there tonight. Watch out for the razor blades in apples and drugs in the candy. (Like a crack addict would ever share with kids). I hope you remember the true reason for the season and take a moment to reflect on the fact that Rob Van Winkle (AKA Vanilla Ice) turns 39 today.

Now where did I put my mascara and eyeliner so I can put the finishing touches on my Capn Jack costume?