Is it me or has etiquette changed?

Dear Toilet Texter (Again),

I am writing this letter to apologize. In what I thought was the most grievous offense of my time (texting in the potty), I was hasty in letting you know how disgusted I was in your actions. I apologize for my brash accusations that you had the poorest taste in all the land. Don’t get me wrong, I still think you have very poor taste, just not the poorest.

All Sincerity,
Carlee
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Dear Toilet Talker,

Congratulations, it is official. You have officially overtaken the Toilet Texter as the owner of the most grievous offense to date. I begin by explaining myself.

I’ve never understood phones in bathrooms. Not ever. It amazes me when I go to a hotel and as a manifestation of their class, they put a phone near the toilet. What is classy about that? Is it a sign of business prowess – knowing that on occasion a businessman might have a potty emergency in the middle of a conference call and this divine phone placement will save him the embarrassment of excusing himself in the middle of said call and he can stay on the line while he handles his other “business”? Think about it before you answer. . . is it MORE embarrassing to excuse yourself or to have a potential client hear you tinkle? Think hard little grasshopper.

Is the phone in there in case, while reading the daily comics, you get the urge to order room service? Isn’t that an odd time to be thinking about food INTAKE? Ok, I’m dry heaving. Enough said.

So, that said, what makes you think that I would agree with cell phones in the bathroom? I’ve caught several of your kind, Toilet Talker, mid conversation with the statement from my end of the phone “Are you in the bathroom?” Those Toilet Talkers stutter and stammer to explain themselves while I quickly retort, “Gross. Call me back.” At least they realize the error of their ways and are mildly embarrassed by this pre-historic display of manners.

You, my friend, have taken this to a whole new level. Home bathroom conversations, while still gross, are at least private (I hope) between the two parties involved. You, Public Restroom Toilet Talker, are exposing your conversation for all to hear – all that are retreating to the restroom for a few quiet moments of their own that is.

What did I just hear? You dialed the phone while shutting the stall door? We are in for something very problematic. Are you saying “hello” to me or to your phone buddy? I NEED to know. “Why?” you ask? Because when I answer you and tell you that “I’m fine,” (when I secretly want to say ‘Why are you talking to your stall neighbor? That’s weird. I know we’re girls but that’s still weird.’), I become the weird one that is talking to YOU over the stall. Is that fair? No! You started this mess and now I look like the weirdo to all the bathroom attendees at this very moment for violating bathroom quiet time protocol! In addition, I’ve apparently “annoyed” you for answering a question that was CLEARLY not directed at me. Do you see the irony because it’s bleeding from every pore?

What did you just say? Did you just tell your phone buddy that people must think you are weird for talking on the phone in the bathroom? Ok, now we have a larger issue. You KNOW that this is weird! I was about to give you some leeway and just chalk this mishap up to bad parenting or something but you acknowledge that it’s weird?!?! Now I don’t have sympathy because this is pure rebellion for the laws of nature and all bathroom etiquette guidelines.

I feel like maybe the bathroom isn’t the place to conduct your phone business. Especially when all I hear is cordiality and nonsensical banter coming from your side, I can’t imagine that the person on the other end is having a philosophically-rooted conversation and all you have to say is “Totally.”
I appreciate your attention to the matter.

The Newest Friend of the Toilet Texter,
Carlee


PS: While we’re on the topic. . . If you can only do one of the following without somehow interfering or overlapping with your ability to participate in the other (I leave it to your best judgment to define “interfering”), I beg you to make the choice before you start and only do one thing at a time:

Texting vs Driving
Talking vs Driving
Make-up vs Driving
Eating vs Driving
Really Anything vs Driving
Talking vs Phone Talking (you know you LOVE those background conversations while I’m telling you a story on the phone)
Texting vs Meetings (church or otherwise but especially church)
Talking vs Eating (or just chewing for that matter)
Skiing vs Doing Your Taxes (name that movie)