It’s the Cele-breakup. . .

Alas, dear friends, I’m sure that you’ve all heard the news that the reality television world ended this week with the demise of Jon and Kate. That’s right, the world’s bravest parents could no longer hack it and they are getting divorced. It’s a sad world we live in when even $75,000 an episode can’t help you get over yourself long enough to make your marriage work.

Jon and Kate now enter the books as the most recent Cele-breakup (I think I maybe invented that word and I may be proud of it. . . but if you think I heard it somewhere and it’s not a Carlee Original, let me know and I’ll give credit where it’s due, cool?) in Hollywood. . . er. . . Pennsylvania. It’s a good thing they chose to stay living out of LA so that they could have some semblance of a “normal life” with Mady, Cara, Leah, Hannah, Alexis, Joel, Collin and Aaden. Wait, what part of 8 kids seems like a normal life? None part? I didn’t think so either. Sidenote – I maybe got all of those names by memory. . . without a struggle. I AM a watcher of this show and have become rather attached to the Gosselin family, like so many of you who maybe won’t admit it. But I’m airing my dirty laundry – I watch it when it’s on and maybe Tivo it sometimes. . .

As much as I would LOVE to write an entire blog about the Gosselin, I think it would lose its luster after paragraph four. After all, they have been the center of the universe for the last 6 months because he’s supposedly cheating and so is she and the kids are overworked and yadda, yadda. Good tabloid stuff.

So, rather than focus solely on this most recent tragedy, I would like to walk you through some of my favorite Cele-breakups over the past years. My definition of “favorite” is termed as loosely as those couples that I, at the very minimum, became at least mildly invested in – entertainment-wise or emotionally, doesn’t matter. . . I was, to some degree, sad to see them go. So, in no particular order than that of my memory. . .


Kate and Jon (I listed her first because that’s how she’d want it. I’m surprised it hasn’t changed yet actually. . .)

Cause of Break-up: Reported Infidelity, Greed, Selfishness

It’s the freshest. Sorry. But I’ll be brief. Plus, I feel the worst for them because they were once a legitimate family.
In a break-up where both parents claim that it always has been and still will be “all about the kids,” I ask, “Is it really?” At first I loved this story because they lived in a sweet house in Pennsylvania and were SO grateful for the opportunities that they were given because they never thought they would be able to experience them without the aid of the Hiltons or whoever else threw out a freebee. Now that Kate is expecting. . . not another child but a hand-out. . . it’s lost its humility and it’s “real-ness”.

Wouldn’t the smart thing be to try life again off camera rather than go for the big D in court? As pointed out by my genius sister-in-law, isn’t she still making money speaking and from royalties on her books? Call me crazy but I think that getting the cameras off the property may be the best thing for the kids and the marriage. It’s “all about the kids”. Yup. All about the great stuff that you get because of the kids. Again, $75,000 per episode people. You are FINE to walk away and no, the show doesn’t have to go on.
PS, nice earrings on the show this week, Jon. Good luck apartment hunting.

Nick and Jessica

Cause of Break-up: Infidelity, Career Competition, Age (metal or physical, I can’t tell)

Remember them? Remember the Chicken-of-the-Sea incident? Remember how this show was a complete train wreck – it was gruesome enough that you really wanted to look away but you couldn’t help but stare. I loved it SO much.

This is the classic case of the “Battle of the Careers” syndrome – lower-tiered boy-bander versus the teenie bopper goddess (you know, the one that was overlooked) and daddy’s girl (in every awkward sense of the word) turned bad movie actress. This couple was a great case of puppy love and I loved that they both loved being with a spouse that was as hot as they were. Did that make sense? It did in my head.

I had every hope that these two would make it because she was innocent and he was cool and it felt like my senior year in high school (not me personally, but all the people that I envied) with friends and concerts and music videos and perfume lines. . . oh, good times! But of course, it took a bad turn.

There were talks of her cheating and I think maybe some of him doing the same – I know he went out with Kim Kardashian before she was who she is but I may be getting my stories confused. Either way, there was strife and a break-up and another MTV show down the toilet.

Shauna Moakler and Travis Barker

Cause of Break-up: Who the heck knows. . . and which time?

Thanks again MTV. A beauty queen marries a punk band drummer and they live happily-ever. . . um, not so much. They were ok for a little while – until the cameras got them too! Is anyone seeing a trend?

Are you wondering why I liked these people so much? Entertainment purposes, of course. They were actually pretty normal with each other and their kids on television, but that continual stoned look on Barker’s face throughout their short stint on cable made me smell nothing but trouble. And boy was I correct!

They broke up, and then got back together, and then broke up again, I think? Can anyone confirm that?

The Hogans

Cause of Break-up: What WASN’T weird/wrong with this family?

I am actually kind of surprised that this didn’t make more of a splash than it did. Not the break-up but the fact that this could be America’s craziest family. I’m not even kidding. Here is what we’re working with:

Former pro-wrestler marries ridiculous blond and has two kids – a daughter who tries to be a singer in the Brittney sense of the word and a Son who doesn’t realize he’s Caucasian and kills a guy drag racing (which I’m pretty positive isn’t his only legal offense). This family survives over 20 YEARS! That’s right. What could they possibly do to add to the already existing drama? Get a television show, of course. Now the world can fully critique their craziness, adding to the stress of their lives and causing their eventual demise. Now Hulk’s dating a woman who looks like his daughter (gross) and Linda (Mrs. Hulk) is dating a guy that’s younger than his daughter (double gross). Welcome to tv land.

Ok, that is my short list in a LONG blog. But, is anyone else seeing a pattern here? Sign up to do a television show with your family, there is a good chance that if you don’t keep your head on straight, you’re going to end up with the big “D” as well. The list goes on - Dave Nivaro and Carmen Electra, Brittney and K-Fed (although I’d really like to think that was doomed from the get-go, no cable assistance required) and so on and so on. And yet they still continue to do it. . . I’m perplexed.

I’d love to think Tori and Dean are going to make it (I better not end up tearing up over the latest gossip in 5 months because I like them too) because she has been RIDICULOUSLY famous her entire life. But Dean may have a challenge in his newly acquired fame. They are a cute family though. I worry (not as in worry everyday worry, just thoughts really) that the built-in drama that comes with being a Spelling could lead to their demise. They seem oddly grounded though, so I hope it continues because it's a win for Oygen!


Let’s be real though – the only family that is going to come out of this black hole of marriage is the Duggars. In fact, they are the only ones to actually ADD a marriage to their repertoire so maybe that makes up for one of the losses? Maybe they could actually give the families of reality tv a win if they get the rest of their kids married off. They could load balance the entire thing!! Looks like you have to have a serious religious dedication and 18 kids to avoid media scrutiny and a wandering eye.

Is it me or has etiquette changed?

Dear Toilet Texter (Again),

I am writing this letter to apologize. In what I thought was the most grievous offense of my time (texting in the potty), I was hasty in letting you know how disgusted I was in your actions. I apologize for my brash accusations that you had the poorest taste in all the land. Don’t get me wrong, I still think you have very poor taste, just not the poorest.

All Sincerity,
Carlee
--------------------------------

Dear Toilet Talker,

Congratulations, it is official. You have officially overtaken the Toilet Texter as the owner of the most grievous offense to date. I begin by explaining myself.

I’ve never understood phones in bathrooms. Not ever. It amazes me when I go to a hotel and as a manifestation of their class, they put a phone near the toilet. What is classy about that? Is it a sign of business prowess – knowing that on occasion a businessman might have a potty emergency in the middle of a conference call and this divine phone placement will save him the embarrassment of excusing himself in the middle of said call and he can stay on the line while he handles his other “business”? Think about it before you answer. . . is it MORE embarrassing to excuse yourself or to have a potential client hear you tinkle? Think hard little grasshopper.

Is the phone in there in case, while reading the daily comics, you get the urge to order room service? Isn’t that an odd time to be thinking about food INTAKE? Ok, I’m dry heaving. Enough said.

So, that said, what makes you think that I would agree with cell phones in the bathroom? I’ve caught several of your kind, Toilet Talker, mid conversation with the statement from my end of the phone “Are you in the bathroom?” Those Toilet Talkers stutter and stammer to explain themselves while I quickly retort, “Gross. Call me back.” At least they realize the error of their ways and are mildly embarrassed by this pre-historic display of manners.

You, my friend, have taken this to a whole new level. Home bathroom conversations, while still gross, are at least private (I hope) between the two parties involved. You, Public Restroom Toilet Talker, are exposing your conversation for all to hear – all that are retreating to the restroom for a few quiet moments of their own that is.

What did I just hear? You dialed the phone while shutting the stall door? We are in for something very problematic. Are you saying “hello” to me or to your phone buddy? I NEED to know. “Why?” you ask? Because when I answer you and tell you that “I’m fine,” (when I secretly want to say ‘Why are you talking to your stall neighbor? That’s weird. I know we’re girls but that’s still weird.’), I become the weird one that is talking to YOU over the stall. Is that fair? No! You started this mess and now I look like the weirdo to all the bathroom attendees at this very moment for violating bathroom quiet time protocol! In addition, I’ve apparently “annoyed” you for answering a question that was CLEARLY not directed at me. Do you see the irony because it’s bleeding from every pore?

What did you just say? Did you just tell your phone buddy that people must think you are weird for talking on the phone in the bathroom? Ok, now we have a larger issue. You KNOW that this is weird! I was about to give you some leeway and just chalk this mishap up to bad parenting or something but you acknowledge that it’s weird?!?! Now I don’t have sympathy because this is pure rebellion for the laws of nature and all bathroom etiquette guidelines.

I feel like maybe the bathroom isn’t the place to conduct your phone business. Especially when all I hear is cordiality and nonsensical banter coming from your side, I can’t imagine that the person on the other end is having a philosophically-rooted conversation and all you have to say is “Totally.”
I appreciate your attention to the matter.

The Newest Friend of the Toilet Texter,
Carlee


PS: While we’re on the topic. . . If you can only do one of the following without somehow interfering or overlapping with your ability to participate in the other (I leave it to your best judgment to define “interfering”), I beg you to make the choice before you start and only do one thing at a time:

Texting vs Driving
Talking vs Driving
Make-up vs Driving
Eating vs Driving
Really Anything vs Driving
Talking vs Phone Talking (you know you LOVE those background conversations while I’m telling you a story on the phone)
Texting vs Meetings (church or otherwise but especially church)
Talking vs Eating (or just chewing for that matter)
Skiing vs Doing Your Taxes (name that movie)

Hello, my friends, hello. . .

So remember how I am really good about blogging about things that don't matter - like run-ins at the bank or weird hugging moments or hair in my trailmix but I am a FAILURE at blogging about all of the important stuff? You want proof? I've got your proof. Here are the things that have happened since my last blog:

Changed jobs. That's right, after almost 5 long years I finally left the DMark and moved jobs to a cool ad agency in Farmington - ThomasARTS. I'm having a blast there and learning a lot so that's always a positive thing, yes? I do miss some of my fam back at the DMark as well as the major comfort zone that I was in but the challenge has been amazing.

Went to Europe. That's right. Biggest trip of my life and I didn't blog about it. Not for a second. I was a good girl and wrote about the trip in my actual journal (yes, I dusted it off just for the occasion) but that doesn't help the two of you that read my blog! The good news is that I did post pics on FaceBook so I hope that redeemed me a little. I'll throw couple onto the end of this blog for proof but anyway, my apologies.

Our trip couldn't have been more amazing. We flew into Venice, took a train to Rome, flew back to Venice and then left on a cruise that took us to Dubrovnik Croatia, Ephesus Turkey, and Corfu and Santorini Greece. It was a most magical time (how silly was that but it REALLY was!). We spent the trip sightseeing and taking pics and dancing the night away on the boat. I was so exhausted when we got home that it literally took me an entire week to recover. It was so amazing. I have to get back there.

Got a roommate. She moved in this weekend. She's totally cute and it's fun to have someone living with me. . . at least I assume that it will be fun because I've seen her like twice since she moved her stuff in on Friday! It will be good for me to figure out how to live with someone again. . . man, it has been a LONG time!

So I'm sure a lot of other really petty things have happened that I should have blogged about but didn't. I need to be better at this - again. I keep saying that but just forget to keep up! Maybe I should set a reminder on my phone? Mid-year resolution?

Europe Pics - a few for proof!