Social me this, will ya?

Did you know that I do Social Media as part of my job?  I know you'd never guess it by how infrequently I update my blog these days; call it the world's greatest irony.  So what.

This morning as I was doing my normal social perusing (aka snooping into other people's lives that they've chosen to discuss online), I saw this video that politely explains why we all need Google+.  (I was a skeptic at first too but no, the video wasn't produced by Google and it's actually mildly entertaining. . . especially the part where the 'Social Media Guru' comes in.  Just so you know, all gurus ARE bald.  What up, David?!)

Needless to say, in all my anxiousness, I got totally overwhelmed with the thought of signing up for yet another social network.  Seriously?  Do I really need to do this for another hour a day?  I can't even be funny frequently enough to keep my Facebook and Twitter updates fresh once per day let alone bringing on the 500 pound gorilla, Google.  I just can't do it.  I can't.

The part that is frustrating (as I'm sure you also were drawn to if you watched my easily-embedded video - thanks Blogger, ahem, Google) is that there is some great functionality in this new interface, stuff that is pretty dang useful.  It has left me sitting at my desk re-enacting a scene from a horribly dramatic movie where the girl gets married and then realizes that she's in love with another man: "Whhhhhyyyyyy?  Whhhhhhyyyyy?  Where were you when I needed you four years ago, Google?  It's too late!  How can I choose?"

As of late, I've been pretty negative Nancy about the whole Social Media thing anyway, leaving me to wonder why I'm having a Jessie Spano-sized freak out over Google+.  I complain all of the time about how sick I am of Facebook - not necessarily about the functionality of it but the lack of candor, maybe, that people exercise when choosing to update.

As I said earlier, I make a pretty conscious effort to be at least a little amusing in my status updates on both Twitter and Facebook (if not before, the pressure is certainly on now); adding value (I choose entertainment) is always important when publishing Social Media content.  I have noticed as of late though that reading Facebook updates parallels watching the nightly news immediately following September 11th - it's nothing but depressing.  Somewhere along the Facebook timeline, the general populous has decided to use Facebook's power for evil rather than good and it's getting pretty old.  If you fall into this category, my apologies but this conversation is long overdue.

I've made a list of all of the things that drive me crazy about the use of Social Media (namely Facebook) and why they are no-nos in my book.  Agree or disagree, it's fine.  But at least now you'll know why you maybe didn't make it off the cutting room floor next time I clean house on my "friend" list.  Here we go:

• Location, location, location.  It's an old real-estate mantra that apparently the FB community has taken to heart.  If you are going to be at dinner for an hour and want to check in some place, good on ya.  If you are planning to be gone for a week to a remote village with no cell phone access and you left your pearls (I know, it's a mystery novel cliche) on your nightstand, don't announce it.  You might as well tell me where the key is so you won't have to pay for a broken window in addition to your now missing pearls.  (Please note that when I say "me", I don't actually mean me.  I'm not a thief.  But someone might be.)  I've said on several occasions that a great date night activity would be to spend an hour gathering a list of all of the people you know are out of town, look up their addresses on the trusty interweb and go to their houses and leave a post-it note saying "Knew you were gone.  Lucky it was us and not someone shady.  Love, The Facebook Bandits."  Good times, right?  That would scare you straight.

         These updates are most dangerous when paired with the next FB over site:

• How do we know each other?  If I can't (within 20 seconds. . . and that's stretching it) process how we know each other and recall the gleaming status of said relationship, you're not making the cut.  Don't add people that you think you saw at Smith's once to your friend list.  It's not safe.  You know that guy who you saw at that one sweet party that you talked to/asked to move his car so you could make curfew?  He's not your friend.  And he might be a creeper.  (Please note that when I say "he", I totally mean he because generally, and the incarceration numbers can back me here, men are more of the PHYSICAL creepers.  I will not, however, disregard the fact that you boys need to be equally as careful with adding the ladies so you don't end up with a bucket of crazy on your hands; she likely won't physically hurt you but she could destroy you otherwise). 

         All I'm asking is for a little caution.  I know it's everyone's dream to have the most "friends" on FB and the most followers on Twitter but I'm going to just lay this out - you aren't Ashton Kutcher and you never will be so let go of the dream, man.  Let it go.

• Drama, anyone?  Have you noticed that Facebook has turned from a narcissists bragging playground ("Got a new truck!", "Had a hot date!", "Man, I'm amazing!") to the most heart-wrenching complaint fest of all time?  I can't even log into Facebook without a box of tissues;  (OK, the old me would have been sympathetic and had a box of tissues.  The new, more seasoned me just gets really annoyed by it.  I'm just being honest.)  It's become the one place that you can get mass amounts of sympathy about the most ridiculous, "This happens to everyone" kind of stuff.  (It's basically reminiscent of this blog post. . . complain, complain, complain.  See what you're doing to me!?")

         Not that Social Media isn't a great place to get support for the trials in your life or to offer condolences to those that have trials, I'm just saying "Enough already!" with this kind of stuff:

1. Worst day ever. . . I hate Monday.  (we all do.  Monday is the official end of what we call the weekend - a time for relaxation and enjoyment.  Who wants that to end?  Nobody.  We all hate it.)
2. I hate bad drivers! (Again, we all do.  never once have I heard someone say "I love bad drivers!"  Never once.  Plus, you just entered the "bad driver" category by being on Facebook while you're behind the wheel.  Knock it off.  Someone is likely Facebooking about you right now.)
3. Why me?!?  (I don't know.  None of us actually do.  And, just as a side note, God isn't on Facebook.  I checked.  Perhaps another mechanism for asking that question might be appropriate?  Just sayin'.)
4. I can't sleep.  (Here's a thought: get off this glaring box called the computer and do something a little more soothing like reading a book.  Besides, how could anyone sleep once they get fired up reading all of these negative things on Facebook!)

You get the point.  As a general rule of thumb, if you were to say your complaint to someone's face and their only response would/could be "Oh.", don't post it.  That's life.  We're all going through hurt arms and bad days and tired feet and broken lights.  Crap happens. . . but I don't want mine to be published for ever and ever. . . except maybe in my blog.  :)