I've had a fairly random tangent on my brain lately so I figured that it was only appropriate to take to the blog-o-sphere to write about it. After all, this is my completely public diary of my most embarrassingly twisted thoughts. . . Oh, you thought I was going to post pictures of my family from the past year? Sorry to disappoint but you are on the wrong blog. No photos here; just a dose of sarcasm with a side order of cynicism so abort if you must.
This train of thought is brought to you by Ellen. That's right, Ellen. You know the hilariously real television host who loves to give stuff away and is a friend to the animals? That's who I'm talking about. You see, I've always been an Ellen fan - read her books, watch her specials and tune into the show; she's one of the few 'true to herself' folks on television these days and I find that rather refreshing. I support people like that so it's why I watch.If you've seen her show, you know that Ellen is a giver. She is always giving away cars and money and shopping trips and whatever to her audience and to people in need - it's rather inspiring and awesome. She gives to charitable causes and people down on their luck and in tough spots. She even gave away a brand new house once to a lady that needed it which floored me - it's a pretty big step up from Tickle Me Elmo, right?
Well, some years ago two of my besties and I decided to take a road trip to see So Cal and (drumroll), we got tickets to Ellen! I was so excited. We went to the show and had a great time dancing and laughing and all of that good stuff.
Confession time: I probably should have done the Christian thing before we left and warned my friends that (here comes the thesis of this blog) I, Carlee Hansen, am the most unlucky person on Earth. I don't win things randomly. I don't even get detergent samples in the mail when they are issued to entire zip codes - somehow, they always run out right at my address. But I was sure that the trip would be a success and I'd at least get the CD of a musical guest or something so that I could say that Ellen changed my luck.
About half way through the show, Ellen was interviewing a guest and talking about bettering the world and then it came. The tension was palpable. I could tell she was about to do a give-away and I, Carlee Hansen, was about to end my unlucky streak with the woman who makes everyone's dreams come true! Ellen turned and said "And everyone in the audience is going home with. . ." hold your breath. . . "A dog collar."
Um. . . what? A dog collar? You can imagine my dismay when I realized that my unlucky streak flew with us to California and sat next to me at the Ellen Show. A dog collar? I don't have a dog. I don't even know someone who would want said collar!
Now I'm not trying to look a gift horse in the mouth; for heaven's sake I would have been happy with a CD. But a dog collar? I was at a loss for words. The one time I actually am issued something like everyone else, I couldn't even use it. If the dog collar had said "Ellen" on it, I probably would have framed it or something at least but it was from a non-profit group and came in a plastic bag like the ones you get a toy in at McDonald's. I could hear an audible "wah waaaaaah" in my head.
The point: every time that I've watched Ellen since that fateful day, not once has she given away a dog collar. Not one time. What do I do? Well I do the only logical thing: I keep watching and hoping that by some crazy stroke of luck, I'm going to see Ellen's bus pull up in front of my house to make up for the dog collar incident. This train of thought is particularly hilarious considering that she has no idea that we exist or that I'm harboring feelings about said dog collar.
I have come to a point that I do realize that I'm not alone. I bet Ellen's swag bus has never even been to Utah, period. (I promise we don't all wear bonnets and long dresses. Salt Lake even has a democratic mayor now! You know, just in case that is an issue). I have come to the conclusion that regular people don't win things. . . ever.
I have thought back about the people that I know and I think that the best thing anyone has ever one is an iPad. I know that you are thinking that my friends probably just don't post about their amazing winnings but clearly, you don't know my people for if they won something amazing, the first thing they would do is take to the inner-webs to announce said winnings. . . narcissistic jerks. Jokes, jokes.
I just don't believe that regular people win things. I've seen the commercials for Publisher's Clearing House and there is a haunting similarity between them all: everyone that wins PCH lives in the sticks of some underwater county and barely speaks English. I've concluded that this is the case because anyone at a socioeconomic level above that would read the fine print of the contracts they sign and PCH wouldn't be able to jip them out of a ton of money. Normal people don't win $5000 per week for the rest of their lives. They just don't.
Here are some other things that I have never seen or heard of a person winning: a car give-away, mortgage paid for for a year, free house, any amount of money. I barely hear of anyone actually winning gift cards. Not at the mall, not on tv, not anywhere. I've never actually seen or heard of someone winning these items that, oddly, I see being "given away" all of the time. I smell conspiracy. Lastly, there are enough people in this country that eat McDonald's multiple times a day that someone, somewhere should have won something of value from Monopoly at this point. And it wouldn't it be awesome publicity for McDonald's to publicize these winners? But it never happens. Ever. Why? Normal people don't win stuff.
Just once I'd like to see someone I know get something amazing. I've succumbed to the fact that it won't ever happen for me because I'm the unluckiest person on Earth, despite the fact that Fate owes me a huge bone after this year. But it would restore my faith in humanity if someone I knew won something big. . . and I mean something that they didn't have to lift a finger for, just because the universe wanted to balance things out a bit. So prove me wrong, Fate. And Ellen, we're that weird shaped state between Nevada and Colorado. Now is a great time to visit - you and Portia can get your ski on. I'd be glad to give your driver directions. Holler if you're interested.
