Halloween!

So I've talked for years about how crazy my work gets on Halloween and this year was absolutely NO exception. In fact, it could have been one of the best years yet. Here's a picture extravaganza to show you what I mean. We had group costumes coupled with cubicle decorations and some really cool stand-alone projects so I'll try and walk you through in the best order I can!



A yard blow-up toy in the office. . .

A fortune teller's cart. . .
Morbid??


A freak show circus. . .

Scooby Doo. . . and a mysterious smoke coming from the door?

And last but for sure not the least - the ode to Toy Story. . .

It was such a fun year and there is so much more. . . but this ought to serve to tell you how crazy this place gets! Happy Halloween all!!

You know what I love???

My niece. . .

Sweet Seattle. . .

So it's October. . . and it's a large testament to how fast the year went. What happened?? Good grief. I was thinking about how fast the year went and realized that I never blogged about my trip to Seattle in July. Although I did write a little poem for my girls a couple of blogs ago, I never documented the trip. I got some STELLAR pics and some good videos that must be shown so rather than talk my way through it, I'll show you! Ladies and gentlemen. . . welcome to Seattle!

Steph and I walked around the Space Needle while Linds had some errands to run. I made my best attempt at taking a "postcard shot" of the towering needle. How'd I do??

This is me in front of the Ducks building. That's right, the Ducks. What's a Seattle Duck you may be asking? Well let me just show you!

The ducks are a car/boat/booze cruise that takes you all around Seattle and eventually into the bay. The captain is weird but a decent tour guide, all things considered. The concept is a bit off-center but the view from the lake. . .

Pretty spectacular, eh? Man, the city is absolutely amazing!

Um, Grey's Anatomy anyone? We also saw the place where Derek is going to build his house with Meredith is Isaquah. (Is that right, Linds or Steph?)

Steph and Linds humored me and took me to the Farmer's Market. . . you know, where they throw fish? I didn't put the fish throwers on here but I did add a picture of a donut tosser below.

Looks a little crazy but he was a great donut tosser. . . and the donuts were pretty delish.

Fresh flowers like a girl couldn't even imagine!!! Lilies that just made my entire day!

My girls at the Farmers Market. That was by far one of my favorite things!

Both major league fields in Seattle are RIGHT next to each other.

Look familiar? Name that movie. . . the toll under the bridge!

Now we're talking!! Steph is learning to play the guitar and this was her rocker pose! I discovered some new musical favs after Seattle, one of which was the highlight of this livingroom concert - Jason Mraz.

And Linds' rocker pose! Don't hold back ladies, show me what you're workin' with!

I didn't have a guitar but I did try to go grunge. Hat from a the trendy outdoor grunge store, check. Aviator glasses, check. Seattle attitude, double check!

OK, to finish off this picture party, I thought about showing you the video of the crazy old lady dancing in the park (it's a goodie) but no, no, I needed a more appropriate tribute. So, in hopes of spring-boarding their Internet music career, I give you Steph and Linds singing one of my now favorite songs. Thanks again for a great trip ladies!

Picky, Picky. . .

"Hello Again!" (Good movie. . . any of you that have seen it realize Shelley Long's acting prowess in said movie and for those of you who haven't but do love shows like Cheers and movies like The Money Pit, check it out - she's just as zany!) SO it's been a few weeks but I have a valid excuse this time because things have been busier than ever! I just moved into a new house (Sidenote: blog and pics to come but I haven't been able to take pictures of said house yet because there are still boxes!!! I'll get there though, I swear. . . by the moon and the stars in the sky. . . I'll be there. . . I mean I swear I'll take pictures and post them!) so things have been crazy with packing and cleaning and closing, oh my!
Also, before I go any further I have to draw your attention to a new blog that's linked on What in the Heck was I Thinking? It's Dall and Sar's blog (my fam) and you can clearly see that I have what can only be thought of as the cutest niece ever. I'm only sending you away from my blog so you ca see her cute face. I hope she knows how much I love her by this simple act!! OK, go. . . go on. . . go look. . . but come back because I have so stuff to talk about!!
There. . . wasn't she so adorable? Just as a sidenote, she loves JT and tries drinking out of big kid cups (picture on the blog of that too!) and that makes me extra proud.
OK, so the name of this blog is "Picky, Picky. . " and I bet you are wondering why. If you aren't, go ahead and stop reading because I'm about to tell you:
There are a few things in life that are a "must" for me. First, I must have a clean bathroom. Hygiene is important, especially in the place where you are performing hygiene! I like a nice, hot shower and a toilet which is why I don't do well on things like Pioneer Trek where outhouses are a staple and you can shower if you wash your head under a cooler faucet! Second, don't ever mess with my bed so that it delays my sleeping. A person's bed is a sanctuary that should not be violated in even the most extreme circumstances. I love jokes but putting stuff in a person's bed that takes time to clean or dry or whatever is not a joke, it's uncalled for. So for those friends in close proximity that have some access to my bed on occasion that think it would "be funny to see what she does. . ." I'll stop you right now and tell you it's not funny. I won't laugh, I'll get angry. Unless you short-sheet my bed and that's kind of funny. (thanks mom and dad for teaching me such tricks!). Third, don't cost me unnecessary money or time. If I loose money or time (which really are the same because we all know. . . TIME IS MONEY!! Hahahaha, couldn't resist that cliche!) because you do something stupid, I will not be OK with that. I know that sounds uncommon but think about it. . . seriously. Happens all the time.
Anything beyond those three things are pretty much fair game because I think that common sense should rule and reign at that point. Sidenote: common sense should really rule and reign BEFORE the time and money thing but I'm throwing that out there as a freebie in-case your meter isn't working!
I guess my point is that I don't require much so when I get disappointed, I really get hosed. Some of the weirdest and most frustrating things happen and I wonder what kind of giggle fate is getting at my expense. Am I harder to please than most people? Maybe. . . but I don't think so. You tell me if these wouldn't "tweak your melon"! (Name that movie and I'll buy you an ice cream or something!)
One morning I was running late leaving the house (as usual) and I didn't have time to grab a granola bar. So, upon arriving at work completely famished (OK, maybe a bit of an exaggeration), I decided to make my way to the vending machine to purchase a Pop-Tart. I was setting myself up for the fact that it would be Strawberry because that's what always happens to me - the brown sugar one is one 75 cent purchase back but I can't bring myself to purchase two packs of Pop-Tarts so I have to settle for the front-of-the-vending-line strawberry. Well, to no surprise, "strawberry fields forever. . . ." no brown sugar in site. So, that morning, against better judgment, I took a stand against the vending machine hoaxes and decided not to purchase the tarts, not today. I was going to live dangerously and opted for trail mix instead. I was feeling pretty good about my decision as I made my way back to my desk. I cracked open my mix and took out an M&M and popped it in. Delish! Dually noting my satisfaction, I dumped a little of the trail mix into my hand, ready to partake. As I looked down to snag a raisin, I gasped in horror at what I saw. That's right folks, my trail mix must have come STRAIGHT off the trail because there was a big ol' hairball in my trail mix!
After nearly convulsing to death and swearing off vending machine trail mix forever, I composed myself enough to write a letter to the company to file a former complaint. That's right, I did! I was so disgusted and I let the company know that I had Gephardt on speed dial so they better return my email. Who finds a hairball in pre-packaged food???? Crimanetly (that's my new word lately, you like?)!!! So, I waited. . .
After about a week I got some canned crap email about "thank you for submitting your inquiry. . ." and just as I was getting fired up about getting a general response, I saw a personal note that went something like this: 'Carlee, Sorry about the hair in your trail mix. That's gross. Send it in and we'll look at it and see what happened. Oh, and we'll send you more trail mix. Love, The Trail Mix People".
WHAAAT!?! Not only was that pretty "whatevs" about the whole situation but MORE TRAIL MIX? I'm pretty sure the last compensation I want for puking up trail mix is more trail mix. PAAAllllleeeease!
I know you are probably thinking "Who would save hair-infested trail mix for a week to send back in?" That's right, I would! So, I packaged it up with a little note that said "Don't bother about the replacement. Probably won't eat it again. So gross. I'm telling everyone. Love, The Almost Hair Eater".
Time that it took to write the letters, package the stuff and mail it back in: 20 min. Cost of postage: $1.00. Cost of Trail Mix: 75 cents. Telling anyone who will read my blog about hair in vending machine trail mix: Priceless.
I just couldn't let it go! I know, shocker.

Boys II Men. . . Ba, Ba, Boys II Men!

That's right folks. . . in case the title of this blog left anything to the imagination. . . I may have made a rousing trip to Orem last night to meet my childhood, aka Boys II Men (I know that you are just like me and can't read the name of the band without muttering "ABC, BVD" right after. Admit it, you're a fan). Should I be ashamed of this little concert gem? Some might say so. I say a resounding NO WAY! In fact, the very people that made fun of me for going to this very concert, without fail, spent the 5 minutes post-harassment singing at LEAST three Boys II Men songs. Note to self: If you are going to make fun of me for my musical tastes, don't follow it up with quoting and/or singing the songs yourself because you know what that means??? That's what I thought. . . :)

I've added a little pic for you to see that the B2M (I need to abbreviate or my fingers might cramp up) haven't changed much. . . in fact, not at all. . . with one obvious difference: there is one boy/man/boy in the process of becoming a man, that is missing. Sad, eh? I think I heard scoliosis? He can't perform. I thought at first that they should just have him sit on a stool but the Temptations-like moves that I saw last night made me understand the performance debacle. So, 3 it is!

The concert was at the Scera Shell Amphitheater in Orem. That's right, Orem. So you can imagine the long-shorts, clean R&B music kind of fan base that they were able to draw. We were far enough back in the amphitheater that we were nearly on the downward sloping side of the hill that creates said amphitheater. And when I say nearly, I mean we were on the downward sloping side. Sidenote: I think it should be a commandment or something that airlines and concert venues shall not over-book seats. I get really angry that the amphitheater sold too many seats so that at least 100 people could barely even see the stage, if they could at all. Grass behind the side of the stage = not a seat. Grass on the back of a hill = not a seat. Room on a later flight = not a SEAT! Come on people, work with me.

Anyway, the concert was packed and "good times were had by all." B2M not only busted out some of my favorite older stuff but some classic Motown tunes. It was like I was literally back in the days of the hard-core, talented boy bands. They danced with their mics, handed out roses and basically did some sweet electric slide moves across the stage. I couldn't help but scream like a 4th grader at a Hannah Montana concert. . . not that I really know what that sounds like!

Best part of the night (other than the double take of Motownphilly)? My buddy Jordan got invited to the meet-and-greet (which, subsequently was held in someone's backyard? Not surprising seeing as how they got ready in a cheaply fashioned lean-to at the venue) and was able to score me two, not one but two, autographed photos of the band. That's right, they signed my pics. Maybe if you're nice and stop making fun of me for going to the concert, I'll let you see them!

How long has it been?

Ummm. . . probably 4 months or something completely insane like that. I was actually telling someone today how fun it was to blog and then I looked down and saw "Captain Hypocrite" on my shirt with a subtitle that said "it's been longer than you think". What in the heck was I thinking? Needless to say, I need to get back into the game so here we go.

Why not start with a little poetic ode?

Summer, oh summer. Where did you go?
Oy yeah, I was working, and boy did THAT blow.
It wasn't all bad news, I did have some fun. . .
I swam some and chilled some and burned in the sun.
I went to Seattle and saw my good buds.
They told me to blog more and called me a dud.
So this poem's for you, girls. I hope that you love it. . .
Lame poems have replaced every last ounce of my whit!

Seriously, good times in Seattle. I rode The Duck. That's right Seattle locals! I did it, and admit it. Cool city, highly recommended. I also did some concerts this summer (Martina, John Mayer, etc.), some river rafting in Jackson and stayed in a "cabin". Sidenote: I say it's a "cabin" because it's really more like a giant house that happens to be made out of logs that probably could really be on Cribs, as stated by a gent in my ward when he walked in. Really, the summer has been fab and I have no complaints really. . . other than I'm exhausted!

Anyway, here and now, making a semi-public declaration that I'm going to try harder. I enjoy this too much. I'm coming back. . . with a vengeance. . . ok, I hope!!

That's why God made Mexico. . .

Thanks to Tim McGraw for the blog title and for the inspiration (sort of) to write this blog. Ok, ok, so it's been months since I've entertained myself by doing what i love - aka, writing in this blog-o-sphere of mine.I feel like I can legitimately say that I've been super busy. I used to take my lunch at work and pound out a blog or two each week and over the last few months, that hasn't even been a possibility so my apologies to my reader - aka, my mom, for not keeping up. Haha. Ok, I really have been hounded by a couple people to get going on this and I've finally found the time; who knew I would have to leave the country in order to find it??!!??
The sad thing about not keeping up is that it's been a fun few months in the life of Carlee and not record to prove it. (If you can please take my lack of blogging as a sign that I'm enjoying my life, I'd really appreciate it!) Things have been good for me; work's busy, social life is good, I got a new niece a couple of weeks ago and I'm loosing my best work friend to Seattle, all of which are very blog-worthy topics and I have failed to write my feeling on said topics which makes me sad. Now comes the inspirational music and my fist of conviction raised high in the air with a goal to do better.
Right now I'm sitting on the patio/porch/lanai of our room at the Moon Palace in Cancun. I'm here with my parents for the yearly Hamblin family vaca. It's been such a stellar few days (other than the radical sunburn I mysteriously got only on the right side of my neck?) that I'm thinking of opening a taco cart and moving here. Oddly enough, I'm pretty sure there are more actual 'taco' carts in downtown Ogden than there are in all of Cancun. I haven't seen that many so I think I could make a thriving business here. Heck, even the Costco here sells pizza and hot dogs! A good slogan is really all I need. . . like 'It's actual meat, I swear' or 'We don't use our water' or something catchy like that. All of the Americans will love it and I'll be rich!! Mwahahaha. (that was my weak attempt at typing an evil laugh, you know, like Dr. Evil?)
Really, I say I could move simply because not having to work has been bliss. I didn't realize how taxing it had been lately and frankly, wore me out. Props to my team who are back crunching through month-end while I sit here but I promise, we're all better for it. So, if I had to get a job here (which I would because from what I can tell, there are no wealthy men living here so I couldn't find a sugar daddy to live off of), I may die because I don't know if you know this but Cancun is 5 million degrees. I know what you're thinking: 'Carlee. It can't be. it would be as hot as the sun.' Well surprise to you all, it is. We went to Tulum yesterday and I literally think if I would have caught all of the sweat that came off, we would have been measuring in gallons. I know, gross visual, but it's true. There is a reason that us fair-skinned folks live to the north. You know when people get SO sunburned that they start to look purple? Well I've seen some of those since we've been here and it isn't pretty.
Anyway, back to getting a job in Mexico. The only way I could run a taco cart would be if I didn't have to stand over a hot stove and it was an air conditioned cart. . . like maybe more like a Winnebago? And I could keep it running all day because down here, gas is $2.00 per gallon. That's right folks. How come we can figure out air conditioning and they figure out oil? Air is important but I think it's time to admit oil defeat and ask for some help from our neighbors to the south! They don't hate us, right? We could strike a deal. Like we'll air condition your country if you'll sell us cheap oil. Look at that, problems solved. Man, I should be president. And if I were, I wouldn't need a job in Mexico.

Who I am. . .

Hey folks! It's maybe been a little longer since my last blog than it should have been - heaven knows I've had plenty o' time over the holiday to write down some thoughts and/or inspirations that have struck me since my last rant about Christmas music. . . but I just haven't. The holiday has been relatively quiet and there hasn't been a whole ton to write about so I've kept my peace - except that I CAN now tell you that I got a new waffle maker for Christmas and that makes me pretty excited!!!

Even though the holiday has been relatively calm, these last couple months have been doosies for me. Since October, I've been through the gauntlet and, at times, have been left feeling like the gauntlet did in fact, win. It's been a total experiment in faith for me and trials of (what I consider to be) epoch proportions. . . ok, nothing THAT dramatic. But it's been a tough go at it for me - big decisions, large changes, all the goodies. I think I can safely say that I've come out the other end of this mess smelling a little more like roses than I went into it - one can only hope anyway or what's the point!?!

Anyway - on to the point. The one thing that really made a difference over the last couple of months for me was taking the time to figure out who I am and what it is that I really, really want in life. Yes, a sports car would be nice but it's not (as I figured out) necessarily at the top of my list. I think that the only true way to make the most correct decisions for yourself is to know what it is that makes you tick. So that's what I've done.

In similar fashion to so many bloggers before me, I've made a random list of some random things about me - things that are really important and some things that well, may not seem to be to the untrained eye (how silly is that) but do show a little bit about who I am. Hold on to your seats - it's going to be a bumpy and potentially awkward ride!

1. I live in a ridiculously small house. It's drafty. It's old. But it's mine and I love it. It's one of the biggest things I've ever done and I'm proud that I bought it.
2. I love to write and hope that one day, I have enough to say about something that I can publish a book.
3. I don't like the winter and the thought of scraping ice off my windows makes me sad.
4. My parents are proud of everything that I do and that helps me make good decisions.
5. I don't like hot cinnamon. At all. It makes my mouth burn and why would someone do that to themselves?
6. I sing and dance (limited, of course) in my car. If a song is THAT good, I just can't help myself.
7. I hate driving home from work.
8. I know that prayer works. I love when I can have less faith in that because I KNOW that it's real.
9. I love my family more than anything and they make that pretty easy to do.
10. My favorite color is red.
11. I like to work. I may complain about it (a lot) but it makes me feel fulfilled.
12. I am a total hugger. It's genetic (thanks mom) so I can't help it. I hug everyone - a lot. And, just so you are aware, there is such a thing as a bad hugger.
13. I have the funniest friends on the planet, no contest. They would out-whit anyone. We can have a contest.
14. In reference to the point above, I'm mildly competitive. . . haha. But nobody makes me more competitive than my brother which is weird because nobody supports my victories more than him either!
15. I am a total daddy's girl. He'll do anything for me but I try not to abuse that fact. . . too often.
16. I don't do fantasy very well. . . . maybe because I think reality is exciting enough??
17. I'm a sucker for flowers. I hate that I'm a sucker for anything. But I am a sucker for that.
18. I was THAT kid in high school - the one who did the group projects and the extra credit. Again, the competitive drive rears its ugly head! Most of that continued over into college.
19. I grew up playing sports - soccer, basketball, softball, karate. I grew up changing uniforms in the back of the car. I'd like to think that I'm ok at all of them, but a superstar at none. My love for sports continues into the now!
20. I love to laugh more than anything on the planet. It makes me feel so great.
21. I have loved a lot of people in my life but I don't think I've even been "in love" per se.
22. I play the piano - poorly - and I wish that I was better at it.
23. My mom loves me more than anyone. She always says that and after all of these years, I think she's right.
24. I like my hair and I hope I never loose it!
25. I'm stronger than I think and I really believe that most people are.
26. The biggest misconception of me is that I'm intimidating and completely independent. While I am pretty independent in some ways, I love being taken care of. It feels great.
27. I'm a total worrier. I worry about a lot of unnecessary things. Again, I think it's genetic? haha.
28. I am a Broadway junkie. I love musicals most.
29. I have been a radio DJ and done play-by-play sports broadcasting on the air. I loved it.
30. I like to read - mostly church books which may be nerdy but I don't really care. It's what I do.
31. I have a great life - one that most people would classify as "easy". While they are probably right, I've worked hard to make it that way.
32. I believe that people make their own "luck".
33. I've had to fire someone before and it was one of the hardest things I've done.
34. I don't believe in quitting at anything. . . except smoking and everyone should do that!!! :)
35. There are people in life that can understand you 100% of the time. I've met only a couple.

Ok, I think that ought to do it for now. 35 is a pretty good list, right? A lot of this list contains pretty random things about me but they all play a part in who I am and what I do. Just because I wrote this down does not give permission for me to be mocked relentlessly!!!

'Tis the Season. . . to be a HYPOCRITE!

Hey everyone and welcome to the holiday season. . . one to surely be filled with glad tidings of great joy! I love the holiday season and everything that it stands for - the lights, the trees, the sweets, the people and even the music! FM 100 has been playing Christmas music for one month already - can you believe that? Anyway, hearing the Christmas tunes made me think of my year-over-year Christmas rant that gets me into trouble at least once during the holiday season. So what do I decide to do but publish it so I can take the tongue lashings in public! Really, it's so everyone knows how I feel about this gem of a topic. . . so here it goes:

You know what bugs me? Hypocrites. I would rather deal with my cube neighbor not showering (that isn't true, by the way. . . I'm just saying I'd rather, so you get the point) than dealing with a hypocrite. I HATE the saying "Do as I say, not as I do." which I heard all of the time growing up. I'm for sure more of a "Practice what you preach." type of girl because I like to think that's how I am. . . I try to be anyway.

It's sad that the one time of year that hypocrisy drives me up the wall is Christmas because really, I'd just like to enjoy my holiday in peace; and maybe I can start doing that once this is out in the open and recorded as a 'things I hate'. This blatant type of hypocrisy involves nothing other than good old Christmas music itself. Here comes the thesis of this rant: I do not agree with non-Christians making a pretty penny on a Christmas album. They don't believe what they are singing. They don't even believe in Christmas. Don't become a sell-out by doing a version of Silent Night and selling it to the masses. It's lame, it's hypocritical and it sucks. There was no 'holy night' that you are aware of. There was no 'holy infant' for you to ponder on. Don't sing about it. Don't record it. I don't even think you should be singing about Santa Claus because the whole premise of Christmas coming to pass is based on Jesus Christ and his holy birth. I don't sing about Kwanzaa! Why? No it's not because a) I don't sing OR b) I don't even know what Kwanzaa is. . . so you put those thoughts to bed right now! I don't sing about it because I don't believe in it. It's the same reason I don't write/sing sings about Hanukkah, soggy bread, sex before marriage, cinnamon or Miracle Whip - I just don't believe in them.

The two biggest violators of this little rule of mine could be considered two of the most talented musical artists of all time - to that, I don't scoff. I do, however, scoff at the fact that you ditched your religious beliefs in order to make a buck. Neil Diamond and Barbara Streisand, come on down. You're the next contestants on Carlee's List-o-Hypocrites! (I purposely did not link to their cds because I'm anti buying them).

Both of these artist have publicly proclaimed their undying faith in Judaism and for that, they have my respect. I love when people believe in something - even if it's not a belief that I share, I respect those that are willing to publicly make a statement about their faith and really, live it to it's fullest. I do not respect the fact that because popular culture allows for the holiday season to be rich is cash flow if you are willing to make a Christmas cd (and I know that EVERYONE has one - the muppets might even have one, who knows), you sold out. Both Neil and Babs sing Silent Night on their cds (although Babs tried to be sly and name it Sleep in Heavenly Peace). Did I miss something? Do I not really know what that song is about? I thought it was about the story in the bible - you know, the one with a baby and shepherds and a manger and a star. . . all of that stuff. Correct me if I'm wrong.

Babs also favors us with O Little Town of Bethlehem and then heavily favors us with songs about Santa and snow. Neil, however, didn't stop at Silent Night. He was kind of enough to favor the masses with God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen, Little Drummer Boy, Hark the Herald Angels Sing and last, but certainly not least, O Holy Night. For me, that last one is a kicker because, personally, it represents all that is Christian about this holiday. . . but let's be real, Silent Night did me in.

My point is not that these people are wrong because they aren't Christians. It has nothing to do with that and if that's what you are getting from this, you didn't read it. My point is that regardless of your beliefs, you should never abandon them for cash - ever. Even if you stand to make a lot of money. . . like say if you were going to release a Christmas album. If you do sell-out, that's what you are - a sell-out. . . and you will then be on my list.

Another afternoon conversation gone bad. . .

After seeing my last post, GW decided to go the rounds again in IM. Prepare yourself. . .

GW: CARLLLLLLLLLLLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE
Me: What's up?
GW: Did you by chance see the ram-bone
GW: can't believe I actually axed you that
GW: That made me run out of the BB when I visited for a bachelor party
GW: gift
Me: oh my gosh
Me: I don't even know what to say to you right now
Me: this is a WHOLE new level
GW: Sorry but I still have nightmares
GW: the real reason I am IMing you is to find out about GB
Me: sure. . . GB. . . not the BB?
Me: that place was so sick
Me: GB was a-freaking-mazing
Me: ram-bone?
Me: now THIS may have to be blogged. . .
Me: I can't stop laughing
GW: I can't describe what it was
GW: but I will never go back because of that
Me: hahaha
Me): this is for sure going on the blog - so you better stop telling people that you are the ghost writer!
GW: so I shouldn't tell you about piggly wiggly either then
GW: any who
Me: oh man
GW: back to GB
GW: I wanted to go because I secretly have a man crush on him.

Not a secret anymore!! SO funny. Thanks GW for making my night.

I question your motives!

Today I had an interesting lunch. . . to say the least. I've been invited to a bridal shower this Friday and received instruction not to bring a "nice" gift, if you catch my drift. (And if you don't catch my drift, start singing "Santa Clause is coming to town" to realize what the polar opposite of nice is. . . and THEN catch my drift). Anyway, it's for one of my best buds' fiance's so I'm more than willing to succumb to the request. She's now a good friend, so I have no hesitation about getting a gift that I would never want my mother to know that I bought - until it comes to actually buying the present. . .
I decided to visit one of Utah's shadiest locals ("lo-cal") to obtain my piece-de-resistance for the blushing bride. I say it's one of the shadiest because not only does it sell questionable merchandise, but it's in West Valley and you don't get much shadier than that. Blue Boutique on 35th south, here I come!
I strutted in with all the confidence that I could muster, not wanting to look like the naive mormon nun that I SO am, thinking that a little confidence in my step would make it less awkward. And it did - for about 3 seconds. I HAD NO IDEA!!!! That's all I really have to say about that. In addition, I wasn't even in the "Adult" section? What is this, the kids section? If so, what kind of junior high delinquents are shopping here?
Anyway, I quickly made my way to the area that I was looking for (not that I really even knew what I was looking for, but it was in the back of the store and I felt comfortable with that). BUT, in order to get to the "G" rated section (which still made me blush), I had to pass said "Adult" section with the dirty velvet curtain over the entrance. Unfortunately for the guy inside that section, the curtain was not closed all the way and we made eye contact. You know that face that a little kid gets when he knows he's been caught stealing candy? Well, that was it. That old man looked mortified. . . like I just caught him buying dirty pron! Oh wait, I did. Then I noticed he had on one of those annoying phone earpieces that make it look like you are talking to yourself and I realized that he was on his lunch break just surfing for porn in the nudy store. Here's what I wanted to say:
"Dear Old Guy,
You are old and gross and frankly, should be banned from being within 100 yards of any elementary school. You have your ear piece in, just in case you get a call. Question: What if someone actually calls? Are you going to answer it and let them know where you are at? Just in case the wife calls (who I now have total pity for) and asks you to stop and get some bread on the way home from work? NO! This is embarrassing. You are caught. Sick."
Instead I just looked at him like I was caught stealing candy and scampered off to get my G-rated items.
I know it's a double standard but it's SO different to see women in those places or even young couples because you know it's probably because they just got married or it's for a shower gift or something. Seeing old, creepy men in the "Adult" section creeps me out. He was gross. And really, I don't feel guilty because I, after all, was only in the kids section. . .

Calling Baton Rouge!!!

So, I figured I had better get writing or this was going to turn into the Ghost Writer's blog. . . permanently. Plus, I had a stellar weekend so of course, it's time to write about it!!

Some critics may read this blog and wonder what the big deal is, but I got to do one of the greatest things ever - in fact, something that I've hoped I'd get the chance to do before I died. What could it be? I saw Garth Brooks in concert. Not only did I get to see him in concert, but I had to fly all the way to Kansas City to do so and it was amazing!!! Sidenote: Garth just became the #1 selling artist of all time so mock all you want, you can't argue with that!

We spent the weekend chilling in Kansas City - having some b-b-que and just seeing the sites. Really, it was a time waster until the concert last night at the Sprint Center!! We hot all cowgirled up for the show including everything from buckles to that most authentic hat of mine. Shhh, don't tell anyone that I've actually owned that for years and did NOT buy it just for the occasion.

Anyway, we picked up our Garth SWAG and then hit the concert in style! We snagged ourselves some limited-edition hoodies. . . and by limited-edition, I mean pretty much everyone there bought one. So waht! It rocks.

It was the most amazing show. I think the funniest part was when a crazy, white-trash fan through a bra on the stage and it made Garthy forget the lyrics to one of my favorite songs. Anyway, check out some pics. Don't hate. . . ok, you can a little because it was unbelievable!!

GW - It's about time

Timing is everything. Whether you are looking for a mate, a new job, or an extra breadstick at lunch, timing needs to be on your side.

Today I decided to take advantage of the fact that my life partner, ahem, I mean “lunch” partner decided to go hang out with someone cooler than me. (This is fine, because he doesn’t know that today I added my 5th, and most likely final friend to my facebook page). Anywho at lunchtime I made a mad dash for some sub par Italian food at the Fazoli’s and to get another stamp on my buy ten meals get a drink free card. (It’s a lofty goal but sometimes I need to stretch myself).

Once I arrived I ordered the rigatoni romano, found myself a seat, and waited for the buzzer to beckon that my 6,000 calorie meal was ready for me to ingest. Now I should back up a little. I don’t really like Fazoli’s but the fact is, if you dine in, there are all you can eat breadsticks. SOLD!!! I was willing to risk the possibility of being a loner to receive a couple of extra 1,000 calorie buttery breadsticks.

However, timing was not on my side. Not only did a couple of co workers see me in my state of loneness, but I never receive an extra breadstick. Apparently the mentally handicapped breadstick Nazi will pass you by if you still have the initial breadsticks you received with your meal. Therefore, I quickly snarfed the final stick down and anxiously awaited her next pass through the tables.

To my surprise, she did not make the rounds again. She did however pass by my table with the breadstick tongs as if she was mocking me. I have never felt more like Pavlov’s dog than I did at that moment. While Jimmy Buffets Jingle bells played overhead (Yes it is only Nov 7th ……. again timing) I couldn’t help but think that all I want for Christmas is another Damn breadstick. But no luck! Does she not know I can go to the Olive Garden and have soup and all you can eat breadsticks for less money than I spent here? Do I have to hide my breadstick next time to get another one? Sometimes life just isn’t fair.

I don’t know if this is the case of not, but somehow I believe that the little red ridinghood retarded breadstick Nazi is still walking around the lobby passing out free breadsticks for the rest of her shift. If only I had waited a little longer, or had better timing.

All my Best,

GW

GW: Hallo-what?

Happy All Hallows' Eve everyone. Yeah it’s me again. Old GW couldn’t resist blogging about the stupidest holiday known to mankind. (Yeah that’s right I called myself GW. I figure if we are now so casual that we call erectile dysfunction ED, I should be able to start calling myself GW).

Let’s get down to business. Why does everyone make such a big deal out of today? I pretend to be something I am not every day when I go to work. The difference is I don’t have to wear a costume to do it. But some adults still feel obligated to dress up like a pumpkin, a character from the wizard of Oz, or Captain Jack Sparrow. There is only one captain Jack and I don’t want some 300 pound man swashbuckling his way around the office thinking he is a pirate.

I realize that my ideas shouldn’t be impressed upon everyone, and I am fine with kids trick or treating, but please be aware of the rules and regulations should you or your children decide to knock on my door tonight.

1. Trick or Treat was designed to be a question not a statement. There will be times throughout the night that I will opt not to provide a treat and will request that a trick be played on me.

2. Do not ring the door bell more than once. You will be lucky if I even come to the door. I fully realize that your children are trying to collect more free items than the Louisianans did from FEMA, but I am not going to sprint to the door to hand out candy that I bought with my hard earned money.

3. Do not bring by your babies to trick or treat at my house. The last time I checked I was fresh out of similac and breast milk. Plus a baby dressed up as a vegetable is not that funny……anymore.

4. Make an effort on your costume. Don’t just cut a couple of holes in a sheet and pretend you are a ghost. I am not scared by that, and you look more like a member of the KKK than you do a ghost. If you want free stuff from me, impress me. FYI…. the transformers were not made out of a cardboard box. If you try to sneak by with a homemade costume, you are going to get a money mailer coupon to have your carpets steam cleaned. Better yet, maybe a discount on teeth whitening coupon from Dr Boyden. (By the way Jimmy Chunga I don’t give a rat’s ass that he is your family dentist. Stop talking about him on the radio as if you are endorsing him for free. He is paying you to say how great he is.)

5. If you are over 12 don’t even think about knocking on my door. If you do, you will get a bouillon cube to make gravy. If you are old enough to be forced to use the communal shower in P.E. Class, you probably already realize that the world is cruel and not fair. Thus you shouldn’t be sad when you get something to contribute to Sunday dinner.

6. Don’t do the trick or treat smell my feet line. That’s disgusting. I don’t say “here’s a tootsie roll, now smell my hole”.

Anyway good luck out there tonight. Watch out for the razor blades in apples and drugs in the candy. (Like a crack addict would ever share with kids). I hope you remember the true reason for the season and take a moment to reflect on the fact that Rob Van Winkle (AKA Vanilla Ice) turns 39 today.

Now where did I put my mascara and eyeliner so I can put the finishing touches on my Capn Jack costume?

Gost Writer - Wheels of Contention

First of all let me say how excited I am to be a ghost writer. Ever since I saw that show on PBS I have thought to myself, “Could there be a better job than helping kids solve mysteries by providing clues to riddles”? I think not; however I recently realized that one of the kids on the show turned out to be gay (not that there is anything wrong with that). But I can’t help but think that may have had a little something to do with his decision. (Well that and the fact that his name is Willie).

Anyhow, let’s get down to business. Last night I was doing a little shopping at the Target and was leaving the check out counter when a younger female ran into me. Let me be more specific, she skated into me. That’s right she had on (in my opinion) one of the worst inventions created by mankind………The Wheelie shoe.

After giving her the “oh no you didn’t” look, this young gal decided to walk/skate off as if nothing ever happened.

1) Is the next generation that lazy that they can’t walk to school, or to the produce section at Target? If you need wheels to get around in the grocery store, go borrow one of those scooters. Believe me they work fine, I have used them several times.
2) My Spawn will never own a pair of these shoes. Sure I owned a pair of roller skates growing up, but when I wanted to go wheeling around, I did it at the Freaking 49th Street Galleria with other prepubescent children, and creepy old men that still thought it was the 70’s, but had a fond attachment to the song footloose.
3) These things scare me. The first time I saw someone gliding across a floor at the mall, I thought that I had got some bad mushrooms from Pioneer Park. Human beings walk, run, or jog, we DO NOT glide.
4) These shoes discriminate against the elderly or people with a shoe size bigger than 7. If these shoes we sooooooooo cool, why don’t adults use them? The last time I checked, the Dali Lama, Pope Benedict, and Matt Lauer do not use them, so why should I?
5) Why hasn’t this fad passed? I was only able to wear my parachute pants and slap bracelets for about 5 minutes, while the little brats that run into me have had these damn things for close to five years.
6) If they are going to be permanently adopted by society, can we at least make people say “go go gadget shoes”?

Thanks for allowing me to vent. Don’t worry though; I will be fine with a little help from my friend Mr. Zoloff, some group counseling, and a few hours of ghost writer season 2 now available on dvd.

Ah, the pressure to be cool. . .

This was by far the funniest conversation I've had in a long time. I have been asked to change the name of the other party involved just for protection purposes. Said party has recently agreed to make occasional "ghost writer" posts to the blog, for which I am very excited because their humor MUST be shared.

Sidenote: sections of the conversation not affecting the outcome of said conversation may have been omitted or condensed for room's sake and really, to add to the overall humor of this conversation.

GW: I am just trying to rebrand myself. I need to be a little more edgier.

Carlee: I don't know that the things we've talked about qualify as 'edgy'?

GW: I am also into Elmo.

Carlee: Wow

GW: I mean Emo
GW: My church class is teaching me how to be cool.

Carlee: 8 year olds?

GW: I teach the 15-16 year old class.
GW: Curtting is in.
GW: So is facebook.
GW: and myspace.
GW: But myspace is more for the molesters.

There was so much more to this but for the sake of time, I'll end it there, on that solid note. Thanks Ghost Writer for the commentary. Can't wait to see what develops from this!

Did I really just see that?

Either someone has the worst functioning colon/stomach in addition to having quite possibly the worst aim ever (you think you know where this is going, but you don't) or someone was having their lunch in the bathroom. That's right folks, I just saw a full, one-inch piece of french fry on the bathroom floor about a foot in front of the toilet.

I don't know which is worse - no digestive breakdown accompanied with bad aim or someone "lovin' it" in the bathroom over a carton of fries?

All I have to say is gross. Bada bup ba ba. . .

That dreaded table. . .

So, some time ago our company decided to "give a little something to the employees" and purchased a pool table, foosball table and a ping pong table. They were hoping that it would distract us from the hopeless monotony of our jobs - aka "We are getting the tables as a way for you to take a break and release stress." Like I said, hopeless monotony.

Anyway, the tables have become a little bit of an anger point for several of us. . . i.e. (loving the acronyms today) the ones of us that have been here working until after 6:30 more than once this week. Release stress, yes, good idea. Train for the Olympic ping pong team, not so good. There are people that are spending over an hour out there on a daily basis and it's starting to really tick me off. So much so that I may hide the paddles, sticks and ping pong balls that are necessary to play these games.

Case and point: I walked through the shop today at 9:30 (for all of you readers out there, that is 1 hour after we technically open our doors (like anyone is here at that time) but 2 1/2 hours after I arrived this morning, again, catching up on work) and I heard a familiar sound of a plastic ball making contact with a table, a paddle, a table, a paddle. . . I almost raged! You have been here for no more than an hour and you already need a break? Are you kidding me? It took me longer to drive to work this morning than you have been here and already need a ping pong break. If you're that dedicated, maybe you should quit your job and join a league? I've included a flier in case you are interested. SOOO over it!

For My Mom!

She probably doesn't even read this trash that I write but I thought I would post this anyway - a tribute to mom's everywhere, but especially mine. I don't know why I found this so amusing, but I did!

It finally happened. . .

What kind of world would take two kids away from their underwear-missing, head-shaving, alcohol-drinking, millionaire mom and give them to their corn-row-wearing, white-boy-rapping, gold-chain-sporting, dead-beat dad? THIS kind of world!!!

http://omg.yahoo.com/spears-ordered-to-give-kids-to-federline/news/2792

Sorry Britt. . . you lost. And bad. You lost to K-Fed which really, says absolutely nothing for you. You have been weighed, you have been measured, and you have been found wanting in comparison to the sickest person alive! Ok, the second sickest.

Who would have thought?